5 unwritten rules on how to care for your pregnant friends
Those who know me know that for several years of my life, I worked on a digital health startup whose sole purpose was to help moms better take care of themselves after having a baby. We all hear that “it takes a village to raise a child,” but what I’ve found from interviewing hundreds of parents about their experiences is that that village either doesn’t exist or looks way different than it did for our grandparents’ (or even our parents’) generation.
These 5 unwritten rules are for the village of today. It’s for those who aren’t pregnant and aren’t about to have a kid, but know and care about someone who is. It’s for those who believe in helping the mom put the oxygen mask on herself so she can best take care of baby. If someone shared this article with you, then they recognize you’re an awesome friend or family member, and they want to help you help that mom-to-be in your life.
PRE-NATAL: Stop. Asking. If baby’s here. If you’re important in her life, trust that she will let you know when she’s ready. First time moms, especially, often go past their due date, and she is already dealing with pressure from every direction (including herself) for baby to be here. Your curiosity, albeit well-intentioned, is only going to contribute to her anxiety. If you really can’t help yourself and must reach out, just say “thinking of you, and sending love your way!” I repeat. Do NOT keep asking if baby has made a debut.
PRE-NATAL: Show her that she matters to you, in your own way. The easiest way is to ask for her baby registry and then get her something she’s stated she wants. But that doesn’t mean you have to buy a gift if that’s not your thing — you could also send a handwritten note, record a funny video, or do something else that speaks from your heart and makes her feel special. Even better? Surprise her with a gift that’s just for her instead of for baby. 99.9% of people don’t do that. You’ll definitely stand out, and she’ll think it’s the sweetest thing ever!
POST-NATAL: Be helpful instead of asking how to help. Don’t just say, “let me know how I can help.” Most women, even your good friends or family, are not used to reaching out and asking for the help they actually need. Or they may not even know yet how you could help them if they’ve never before had a kid. Don’t put more work on them to figure out how you can help them. Google it. Ask other parents you know for ideas on what you can do and just go ahead and do it. Hint: New moms and partners need food. Lots of it. They also need their laundry done and their house cleaned and their pets walked. They also need to be reminded to practice self care, so go ahead and offer to babysit so they can take a shower or get their nails done. Whatever you do, do not get them gift cards for things — take it a step further and make the gift an experience. If you want to get her a massage, coordinate with her partner when it could happen, then book it for her so all she needs to do is show up. Be creative. And think about what additional work you would be adding for her with what you say, ask, and do.
POST-NATAL: Cut her some slack. Don’t forget that this is a sensitive time for her. Even more so than during pregnancy, her hormones are all over the place, and she is not the same person you knew before she had the baby. Whatever you might be thinking, withhold that judgment. Try to keep every interaction with her positive. This doesn’t mean you should minimize the challenges she may share with you. If you have no idea how to relate, then simply admit that, and tell her “I love you no matter what and you are amazing for bringing this human into the world.” Share what you admire about her. Let her know what an incredible mom she is. Be genuine.
POST-NATAL: Be the one to reach out first. Don’t expect your relationship to be exactly the same as it was before baby arrived. She still cares about you, but is preoccupied with keeping a tiny human alive at the moment while trying to sneak in as much sleep as possible (which is not much, in case you were wondering.) If you want to see her at all, then you may need to make plans around her schedule and come to her neck of the woods to hang out for awhile. If you do make plans to meet up somewhere outside her home or via video chat, then don’t take it personally if she’s late or has to reschedule. She’s likely already feeling guilty about it and feeling like she’s always apologizing to everyone for not living up to her own expectations for being a good friend or family member. Take that pressure off her by proactively telling her it’s no big deal, that she’s doing great, and that you’ll reach back out again in a week or two to see how she’s doing. Give her permission to not feel the need to reciprocate or give more of herself (she definitely wants to!) during this season of her life. Right now, it’s all about her and her new bundle of joy. Remind her that it’s OK to be in a state of receiving, and that there will be another season later on when she can be giving in the way she wants to.